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Differences between a Puerto Rican Woman and a Nuyorican Woman

1. Puerto Rican women know how to make rice & beans from scratch in less than a fifteen minutes.

Nuyorican women know how to reheat their mother's pot of rice & beans in 5 minutes flat.

2. Puerto Rican women can accomplish two things with one throw of their chancleta (sandals): Smack the grin off their child's face and kill the roach climbing out of the kitchen sink.

Nuyorican women can accomplish three things with one throw of their chancleta: Smack the grin off their child's face, kill the roach climbing out of the kitchen sink, and pop their man's mouth for whistling at the girls across the street and finish it all by saying "I saw that shit." This proves my theory that the chancleta skill improves with every generation.

3. Puerto Rican women have a trunk filled with costume jewelry and a small jewelry box that contains their "real" jewelry.

Nuyorican women have five hoops in various sizes including one that has their name on it, a double heart ring, at least two name plates, one broken ankle bracelet with a heart and their initials, half of a best friend charm, an initial ring, and a name ring for each of their nicknames.

4. Puerto Rican women differentiate friends with the same name by indicating who they belong to i.e.: ju know ...Maria la de Jose, Maria la de Tony, Maria la de Marcos.

Nuyorican women differentiate friends with the same name by indicating a significant body part: ya know ...Maria with the big butt, Maria with no tetas, Maria with the f--- up nose, etc...

5. When Puerto Rican women want to visit family, they fly to Puerto Rico.

When Nuyorican women want to visit family they cross the street.

6. Puerto Rican women do their own hair.

Nuyorican women go to the Dominican salon down the block.

7. Puerto Rican women call two men Papi: their husband and their father.

Nuyorican women have several Papi's: Papi Lindo, Papi Chulo, Papi Rico, Papi Suave, and Papi de Mama.

8. Puerto Rican women's "inner circle" consists of their cousins, sister-in-laws, god sisters, and cousin-in-laws, and at least two neighbors.

Nuyorican women's "inner circle" looks more like a Latin United Nation consisting of two Dominicanas, a Colombiana, an Ecuatoriana, a Cubana, and the Morena who's dating her brother.

Survival Guide For Driving In Puerto Rico

If you're ever in the need to drive on the streets of Puerto Rico the following rules may help you get to your destination in one piece.

On Starting Your Car:

Implore your Higher Power and ask for divine intervention in protecting you against the perils of the Puerto Rican streets. Be careful with the confident reverse driver. This type of driver is famous for backing his/her car with a complete disregard of whatever is in its path. If you encounter one of these drivers you are just in time to practice the Puerto Rican driver greeting!

The Puerto Rican Driver Greeting:

When greeting a Puerto Rican driver, slowly lower your window and be prepared to greet the driver with: "Tu madre, pendejo." However, if you have been already addressed by a fellow driver, reply with a joyful "La tuya, cabron." If the situation gets tense... use the alternate greeting... middle fingering!

On Turn Signals:

If a driver in another lane turns on the turn signal, do not let him go into your lane. In fact, press the accelerator and start driving right next to him/her. The fellow driver will probably greet you and you already know what to do.

On Traffic Lights:

These amusing artifacts hang from intersections for no apparent reason. Sometimes you will see drivers stop to see the colors change on these lights (a fascinating experience). Government officials (specifically police) believe that each color stands for an instruction for drivers to follow. From pure observation I have determined the following instructions for each color:
  • Yellow Light: accelerate your car as much as possible.
  • Red Light: this light gives permission to the next five or six cars to go through.
  • Green Light: reduce speed and wait for the five or six cars passing through their respective red lights.
Time to start honking your horn, as soon as the light turns green: 1.5 sec

On Changing Lanes:

Changing lanes has been elevated to an art from in Puerto Rico. First of all, no matter what you do, never turn on your turn signal or otherwise you'll stimulate the reaction described above. Second, swerve your car uncontrollably to the lane you want to change, preferrable if you end up within inches of a car in that lane. At this point a greeting from the other driver may be in order. To perfect your change of lanes, reduce the speed of your car dramatically in a matter of seconds and you will see an action packed reaction from the car behind you.

On Traffic Jams:

Traffic Jams are teeming will fun filled activities such as:
  • Honking your horn rhythmically.
  • Put on make-up (usually female drivers only).
  • Nose-pickers sightseeing. (not to be confused with people who scratch their brains through their nose).
  • Reduce speed to watch whatever is causing the traffic jam. Add excitement by trying to see if you know the parties involved. (note: every Puerto Rican driver is obliged to do this).
  • Lose weight by sweating like a pig as a result of a lack of air conditioning.
  • Greet other drivers.
  • Practice lane changing.
  • Play the game: Let's see how close I can get to you before rear-ending you.
On Pedestrians:

These individuals are an annoyance to the Puerto Rican driver. If you see pedestrians in your way, accelerate your car to let them know who's the boss. If you are at an intersection, let the pedestrians know you want to proceed by flinging your car at them.

On Social Situations:

Bumping with a friend while driving is a joyful occasion. Drivers should reduce speed and stop their cars in the middle of the street and chit chat. What about other drivers? Well, they can wait.

On Higway Driving:

Bottleneck Formation: To accomplish this type of driving, cars must block all lanes by driving at the same speed and side by side (to avoid other cars to pass). It is important to drive at a speed at least 20 mph below the speed limit.

The Police Alert Network: If you see a cop while driving through the highway you must advise other drivers about the cops proximity by flashing your head lights even during the day. By doing, this you help speeding cars and potential escaped convicts avoid an unpleasant situation.

The Three-Lane-Change: This movement requires a lot of precision and creativity. It should be done around the highest number of cars possible and in a matter of seconds to create what others may refer to as widespread panic.

On Highway Tolls:

There are simple etiquette rules on how to behave at a Puerto Rican toll booth:
  • First, if you don't have enough change or only have dollar bills, go to the EXACT CHANGE lane. This will give you the opportunity to get out of your car and look for change at another toll booth while other drivers greet you.
  • Second, practice your hoops by throwing the coins as far as possible. You will get extra points if one of them doesn't get in.
  • Third, if there is a traffic jam to get through the tolls try changing lanes, other drivers will really appreciate you cutting in front of them.
  • Finally, wait until the last moment possible to get the change required for the toll, preferably, wait until it's your turn.